May 22, 2011


When H. C. gets sucked off by a bunch of suckers
         It's Sunday, a little over twenty-five hours since the world, as predicted by Harold Camping, was supposed to end, or at least, begin its demise. So what does that make today? Either the heavenlies of the world disappeared under our noses, leaving the rest of us here to deal with fire, floods, famine, earthquakes and nuclear devastation, or, the days, like always, are continuing their endless descent to the beginning.
         It’s always frustrating when the tool of power that is Freedom of Speech is damned by some irritant fool. In this case it's 89-year-old mother fucker Camping, a Christian radio-broadcaster who aligned the correct Biblical numbers in his head to calculate the absolute end of the world as May 21, 2011 (with the oncoming and final destruction arriving October 21). And because he milked his thoughts into otherwise empty-headed conformists, moving them into action to paint vans and billboards with his proclamations, the whole country has to discuss it and be totally enamored by it. The Power of Advertising. One poor sap put $14,000 of his own cash into the campaign. I wonder if his fingernails are broken from scratching lottery tickets this morning?
         All Saturday conversations of the rapture could be overheard, but in an eyes-to-the-back-of-the-skull kind of way. "They said we'd all get the axe in 1999, too." We've heard about End Times since Time itself began, but the last few decades have really pinned it in our conscience and now we're ready and willing to submit to a swift and timeless death. It is always on our minds and it fascinates us. We swallow Romeo's tonic and shit out ancient Mayan pyramids. Won’t it be great to wake up January 1, 2013 when all possibilities of the end are erased from the calendar? Maybe then we can all shut the hell up and just live life as it happens. When it all ends there won’t be time for reconciliation and nostalgia, there will just be death.
         It’s hard to fathom a group of people finding credibility with Camping’s prediction because he pulled this same stunt in 1994, but oh, his figures were off then, he’s said. Why would God, the most powerful being in our collective imagination, allow some hack to steal his might? The Bible states that when End Times come and suck us all into a dimensionless hell (saving the holies) no one will have any idea what had happened. God is a performance artist and he thrives on the knack of surprise. We’ll all be dumbfounded, bloody and pulpy, suddenly pushing boxes of rocks in ten-thousand degree heat before we can even find the mental capacity to think, oh shit what happened, should I have prayed more often than I did? God’s secrets don’t leak online before they’re released.
         The worst part of this massacre of the mind is that millions of dollars have been raised for the cause. In today’s economically strapped world it’s hard to be impacted by large sums of money going to waste anymore, but let’s pause and look at it in all caps. MILLIONS OF DOLLARS HAVE BEEN RAISED, for a campaign depicting the end of the world. Millions of dollars for nothing and I have to fight to get more than twenty hours a week at work a year after college. Fuck this guy.
         Camping reportedly hid in his California home on the rapture; probably sitting on stacks of money and jerking off to timetables. I hope when God finally does come he spends extra time separating the limbs of this washed-up mercenary and scatters them at the far ends of the earth, then shoots his body to space and plants his head into the lowest point of Hell where lava flows in and out of his mouth, eyes, ears and nostrils for all of eternity. Let this false prophet decay but never die for letting our nation worry about death during our true and only holy life.